Ready, Set, Go.

I finally have a chemotherapy start date. FINALLY after all the tests, biopsies, CT scan, MRI, port placement, and waiting on insurance, its finally here. My Chemotherapy treatments begin on Tuesday, January 16.

And I’m terrified.

There’s been lots of tears today. And yesterday. And will be more tomorrow.


They read me the list of side affects and my stomach clenched. Its nothing I haven’t read or heard from a previous appointment, but its all becoming so much more real.

It’s happening. I have breast cancer, and I have to do chemotherapy. And. I. Don’t. Want. To. 

A part of me wants to try to do an all natural healing process. But I can’t. And I won’t. Because I know I need more. (so please don’t tell me how so & so did because I’ve already made up my mind and already heard them) God’s answer to me was chemotherapy. My research’s answer was chemotherapy. My answer is chemotherapy. But it still totally sucks to realize that I’m going to be putting this mess in my body.


Many of the breast cancer Instagram profiles and blogs I’ve read pieces of, call their chemotherapy “poison” – and I think they have the right of it.

I’m going to be taking one heck of a poison cocktail!

See, I don’t feel sick. I mean I have the expected soreness and pain from the biopsies and my port placement, but the only symptoms I had that made me get checked was a lump and some breast pain.

Pretty minimal, considering the possible side effects of chemotherapy:

  • Heart damage
  • Diarrhea
  • Constipation
  • Mouth sores
  • Fatique
  • Compromised immunity
  • Infertility
  • Ovarian Failure
  • Vomiting
  • Low blood counts
  • Hair loss
  • Watering eyes
  • Darkening of nail beds
  • Discolored urine
  • Poor appetite
  • Weight gain
  • Nausea
  • Bladder irritation
  • Neuropathy (numbness & tingling in hands & feet)
  • Joint & muscle pain
  • Anemia
  • Swelling
  • Sensitivity to sun
  • Drowsiness
  • Dizziness

Did I lose you yet? Don’t these sound awful?

Plus all the things that come as side effects of these side effects. Like, cancelled plans with friends, cancelled play groups, not being able to care the best for my baby all the time, always worrying about getting sick, etc. The emotional toll, lots of crying, fear, trying to be strong and courageous.

It’s been such a mess waiting on insurance, feeling like the day would never come. But now that it’s on the calendar, I am feeling unready for it. How can a person ever really be ready and on board for signing up for all of that ^^?

It’s gonna be my own personal hell.

So if I’m a total hermit and you don’t see much of me for the next 6 months, this is why, (also, Netflix).


6 thoughts on “Ready, Set, Go.

  1. Chelsea says:

    Oh how I wish you didn’t have to go through this! It sounds like hell you are right! We are praying for you and love you so much!!! It’s okay not to be brave today:) let everyone else carry you when you don’t want to❤️


  2. Heather Jubitz says:

    You are in our prayers and I’ll be adding you to the temple prayer roll first thing tomorrow as well. I can’t imagine how terrifying all of this is. And I’m so sorry.


  3. ANgie says:

    Lean on those dear nurses that will become your best friends through this journey. They will laugh with you, cry with you, celebrate with you, worry about you, pray for you, ponder about you, lose sleep over you… ❤️
    Some of my most treasured and life changing experiences in my career were with my cancer patients.
    I was the blessed one to be able to take the journey alongside them.


  4. Marinda Underwood says:

    Amen to that! Also, there is a place in IDF that does oxygen therapy. I can’t recall but I looked at it when you were diagnosed. It’s be cool to try out if insurance would approve it. But I feel you on not wanting to undertake putting poison in your body…that stuff is scary! But we’re gonna take care of you, whatever it takes! And if you end up infertile, I volunteer to be a surrogate. I loved being pregnant every time. 🙂


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